Grieving

Over my years as a therapist, I have seen many clients who are dealing with grief. In our culture,  we don’t honor the grieving process in ways that are healthy and helpful. We expect it to have an end date, like on milk in the refrigerator. There is an expectation that at some point, we just “get over it” and move on in our lives. After the Hospice training I took earlier this year, my respect for the “bereavement” process, as it’s also called has deepened. 

We also have this notion that we only mourn the loss of those who have died. There has been much literature written about grieving the dead, the stages, the time periods we go through as we are moving through it. Though, again, I still feel that our culture doesn’t give it justice, we still want to sweep the whole dying process under the rug and forget about it. Perhaps this is connected with the idea that most emotions are too scary to allow, too scary to be on display, too difficult to deal with. 

Again, I am grateful for my Buddhist training that helped me to understand the need to just “be” with our emotions—this is especially important to me as a therapist, but it was also important to me as a person who has experienced much in her life—as we all have…  There is no clean-cut way to get over that or those who have passed.  We just need to allow for the process to unfold, to just move through it, to not judge it, or wish it to be any other way than what it is. It is—it just is. Tears are one of the most healing things we as humans can experience. Beyond just tears, I have found that I hearken back to my ancestral roots, where folks would rock back and forth and pull at their hair. Other cultures call it keening, the woeful, loud wailing of mourning.

In the last few weeks, I have experienced much in the way of loss, I realize that I have spoken of this much here. I am sure that there are those who have read my writings, and wish I’d just “get over it, get on with it”, let’s get to the exciting journey Soltahr’s taking.  And I will. Yet, for me, this is a part of the journey.   So often, in my work, I am struck by how many un-grieved losses we also have in our lives. I would even posit that our grief over those who have died, is often more tangible, easier to track than the other losses. 

When I wrote about the stages we go through when we take a journey, I spoke of the leave-taking. As we prepare, we look around us, and see the smiling faces of our loved ones and friends. I realize that this journey has no structure, I do not know exactly where I’m going, or for how long. Change happens. I am aware that there may be some that I may never see again. Though, realistically, we could have that thought  every time we take leave of our loved ones. So, there is that. Then, there is this sudden rush of understanding how very much they mean to us, how very much their presence in our lives has meant—the things we’ve shared, the things we’ve done, the ways we’ve been together and supported each other. 

It has become really clear to me who my real friends are. I have also noticed that my true friends are clear about asking for what I need, not for what they need from me, this has been an interesting turn of events for me, as I’m so used to being the therapist, consoler, healer, listener, and here I am on the other side of things.  Thanks to all of you, it’s actually very comforting and healing for me, especially to know that there are those who just truly care, and there is joy in letting them care about me. 

Going back again to my Naropa/therapist/ Buddhist training, I am reminded of the fact that while life is suffering, we always get to choose how much and how long we will allow ourselves to suffer. I am choosing today to ease my suffering by shifting my focus in another direction. Death happens, loss happens, that is all part of life. I accept what has happened to me, I embrace the love that has come to me from all those around me who love and care for me. I let go of that which no longer serves me. It is time for me to keep moving onward…

I am aware that today is the New Moon. The tide is turning, it is time for me to allow for it to turn in me as well. I know that the letting go and grieving will continue in their own way in my life, yet, it is time to turn my spirit to the next phase of my journey… 

Gathering…