Gathering...

Gathering

Getting ready for a journey requires gathering and packing the things we need to make the journey. I am looking at and sorting through the stuff I have left-- clothes, some camping gear that will come in handy, as well as some of my magical things, given that I have no clue what sort of things I may want to do once I’m out there, or people I might connect with. As a priestess, ceremony is often called for, even if alone. Gathering also involves taking care of business affairs and all other sorts of things that wouldn’t be easily done and would be worrisome during the time when one wants most to be worry free…

My dear friends have been so helpful in giving me ideas about stuff I need to find/collect in order to make living on the road easier and more efficient. My friend Julia told me about a cool little tool that I might need for protection. It’s a gadget that fits around my hand that, should I come across someone who wants to bother me. Her husband wants to make sure I have one, and I’m really grateful to them for thinking about my safety. Over my years as a priestess, witch, therapist, I’ve gotten to be a pretty good judge of people, and I have a good connection with some source of wisdom that tells me if I should or shouldn’t be in any particular situation. I trust myself, my intuition, and my ability to listen to the messages of spirit, as well as the messages of Mother Earth, from She herself, Her creatures, and all of her rocks, plants, soil, etc.

I have always had a lot of clothes. My close female friends who are close to my size have often benefited from those times when I try to cull the numbers of clothes down by giving some stuff away. I am amazed of late at the lack of attachment I have to stuff, and I’m finding as time goes on, it becomes less and less.

I’m noticing that the mornings are starting to be cooler around these parts, which tells me to pay attention to the clothes I take. I started out with a lot of Summer clothes because it was still in the 90’s and 100’s when I started thinking about how to do this. Now, the mornings are in the 60’s, which feels pretty cool in comparison, yet, and though I may not be staying in these parts, I need to just be mindful of what I take along. So, needless to say, the old full length down coat came out of hiding, got washed and is ready for any sort of weather. One year I remember at Dragonfest, on a Saturday night, the weather got really cold, and it started to sleet in such a way that looked kinda like snow. I remember being so grateful that I’d taken my trusty down coat with me that year—it was great! I got the coat from Landsend about 8-9 years ago, and it’s still going strong—one of the best investments I’ve ever made.

Gathering myself is getting to be a bit of a struggle, which is why I keep busy. I am in a place where I am wanting to say good bye to friends, but my old abandoned child wound rears her little head and wants to somehow sabotage saying goodbye to the people who are the very closest to me by standing them up, avoiding them, or some other such nonsensical behavior that I’ve tracked in myself over the years. I can only hope they still love me by the time I leave, and that I’ll woman up and make sure to see them before I go.

I had avoided telling my biological family about my plans, as I knew they would worry about me. How would they understand the deep weariness that has haunted me in the last few years of depression and physical ailments after my mother died, and after 22 years of single motherhood. This driving desire to just break out of the many boxes that life has put before me, tried to put me in--to just be alone, to hear my thoughts, to exist in a time and space where no one needs anything of me.

  

I have always been the odd one in my family, the one who went off on her own path, I’m still doing it. My cousins have wished me well, I sincerely appreciate it. My youngest brother knew weeks ago, and in this knowledge of his “wild” sister, is being gentle and understanding with me around this. My elder cousin called and I was so deeply touched when she cried about the fact that I’d never asked for help all these years. I mentioned my time on welfare, and food stamps and the many sacrifices I made to be a single mom. I often wondered if they’d ever understand about the various family gatherings I missed over the years because I didn’t have a car that would make it, nor the gas money to put into it. I put myself through grad school on student loans and a desire to create something better for myself and my kids. I have no bitterness or anything, true, I didn’t ask for help, I wanted to prove that I could make it on my own. Yet now, I see the toll it has taken, to rarely have any backup or support for myself, to try to make it in a world that was foreign to my gentle and loving nature…Yet…here I am, still standing somehow, but I know not for how long, so hence…I must go…

Here I am, 57 years old and embarking on an adventure that no one in my family would probably ever think to do. I am the odd one, I’m ok with that, I really am, indeed, I now wear it as sort of a badge of honor given that my life didn’t turn out like anyone thought—including myself…And I sincerely appreciate their concern, and I will take in their prayers, and well wishes…I will always hope that my time alone with just self will help to heal some of the sadness, loss and pain of my life…I hope…

Gathering…support, love, caring, courage, gathering...love, gathering…